When Criticism Hurts

As writers, we want criticism. We crave it. We want to make our writing better. We want people to think it's good. That's why we share it with other people: to know what they think.

The risk here is that other people don't always say what we want to hear. Sometimes instead of sending us a string of laughing emojis, they say something that could easily be construed as "I don't like your jerkoff face, I don't like your jerkoff attitude, and I don't like you, jerkoff." (If you got that reference, you are not a teenager--unless you have a really fun dad.) 

If/when you get this kind of criticism, there are a few ways to respond.

A. Run off and cry (flight response)

B. Angrily defend your writing, with words or perhaps stronger methods (fight response)

C. Try to take the mean criticism with a grain of salt (unusually calm and rational response--are you sure you're a writer?)

D. Ignore everything you just heard (my kind of response--but prob'ly not the best)

The best way is the hardest way, namely, option C. I know, I know, our books are our babies that we have nurtured so carefully and dressed up in cute little booties. And when we receive any criticism that isn't "Everything is great!" we sometimes take it personally, as if someone had just slapped our babies. Which makes us kinda want to slap someone back. At that point, option C has flown out the window.

So, a few tips before we start down the path to option three. Whenever you receive criticism that is not rainbows-and-lollipops, there are a few steps to take. 

1. Take a few deep breaths. If you're in the room with your critic, just force a smile and wait a few seconds before speaking.

2. Dissociate. Step back from your baby and pretend it's someone else's. If you can't do that, pretend you're a robot without emotions. This is hard, but it's necessary. The emotional response to literally anything in life is almost always the wrong response, I'm sorry to say, and usually leads to more drama, which we do not want.

3. Consider the words rationally. Look for three things: first, was your critic being mean or trying to be helpful? Second, is there any truth in his criticism? And third, if he was being mean or unhelpful, ask yourself why. Be honest--did you provoke this somehow? Did he misconstrue something you said about his writing, perhaps?

4. If it turns out the criticism is unprovoked, mean-spirited, and unhelpful, consider a course of action. Criticism should not be an ad hominem attack. If someone is attacking you and not your writing, a good response is to say cheerfully, "Thank you, I try!" as if you are intentionally ticking him off because you can. Hey, he deserves it--he basically did the same thing to you.

5. If the criticism is unhelpful and discouraging but not necessarily mean-spirited--your critic thinks your work is trash and also thinks he's helping you by pointing this out--then just politely say you'll take it under advisement, and forget about it. 

Criticism should not be "I hate everything about this and there is nothing salvageable," because that is almost never true. So don't worry about it. Focus on the specific criticisms that may actually prove useful.